Three Simple Rules for Speaking

My neighbor had a decision to make.

He had paid for a wall to be built and it wasn’t built correctly. In fact, it was leaning and looking ready to fall.

In talking with him, I asked what he was going to do. He mentioned that he could ask a state agency to come out and determine if the wall was constructed correctly, which would be a “no”.

“And then you could get your money back, right?” I asked.

“Not sure. What I am sure of is that it would cause a lot of trouble for the guy who did the wall who was falsely claiming to be licensed.”

Pause.

“But why would I do that? It would ruin him. And I would likely still have a wall that needs to be re-done.”

 

In the last weeks, I have thought a lot about his decision not to pursue retribution for being misled, for paying for wall that was now falling.

Moreover, I thought about his consideration of the harm it would cause another person in this moment where he was the victim.

 

A gentle reminder and an important teaching for all of us today.

Asking ourselves three questions before speaking:

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

This sentiment is found in many of the world’s religions; a quick web search will result in Buddha, Rumi and others linked to such questioning.

These three specific questions were posed by a Victorian poet, Mary Ann Pietzker, who published a poem “It is True? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?” in 1872. I will share that piece here, and get out of the way.

 

“Is It True? Is It Necessary? Is It Kind?

 

Oh! Stay, dear child, one moment stay,

Before a word you speak,

That can do harm in any way

To the poor, or to the weak;

And never say of any one

What you’d not have said of you,

Ere you ask yourself the question,

“Is the accusation true?”

And if ’tis true, for I suppose

You would not tell a lie;

Before the failings you expose

Of friend or enemy:

Yet even then be careful, very;

Pause and your words well weigh,

 

And ask if it be necessary,

What you’re about to say.

And should it necessary be,

At least you deem it so,

Yet speak not unadvisedly

Of friend or even foe,

Till in your secret soul you seek

For some excuse to find;

 

And ere the thoughtless word you speak,

Ask yourself, “Is it kind?”

 

When you have ask’d these questions three—

True,—Necessary,—Kind,—

Ask’d them in all sincerity,

I think that you will find,

It is not hardship to obey

The command of our Blessed Lord,—

No ill of any man to say;

No, not a single word.